I woke up today at almost 4pm wondering where the day had gone. It was hot as fuck out and I felt like a bag of shit. For the rest of the day I spent contemplating my life and now here I sit, writing this blog, and still unsure about going out for that cigarette.
I decided today that I am going to go to massage school. I've toyed with the idea of helping people when in pain and if I'm not fit to do that mentally then maybe I'm fit to do it physically.
I find I go through my live judging every ones covers and not their insides, if I could be a shiatsu masseuse I can help people feel mentally better through physical contact. Besides, I've heard I'm good at massages.
I feel like I need to do things more...dramatically in my life. I need to speak up when I want to be heard, be bold, be manipulative, claw my way up...to just be...that person who I want to be.
Some days it feels like my head could explode, and other days I feel absolutely nothing. I could wake up, go to work, and not give a goddamn about succeeding that day...
No...I don't believe in God...I think it's just all totally random...yeah, we live, we die, ultimately nothing means anything. How can I live like that? I don't know...sometimes I wake up so fucking empty I wish I'd never been born, but, what choice do I have.
